sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
