i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
