Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
