Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
