So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Randomize