Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
