im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
