everyone is single if you try hard enough
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
