TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
