Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
