This dress was meant to end up on your floor
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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