did you make any bad decisions?
many, i pretty much fell in love with a freshman...it doesn't get much better than that
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
