Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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