So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
