there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize