I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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