I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i wish my penis had a tongue
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
