I just saw a hot homeless man
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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