They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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