I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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