I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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