as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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