I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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