shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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