Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
We smell like vodka and hangover
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