You're a womanizer and a bitch.
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Randomize
