We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Randomize
