Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Randomize
