i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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