They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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