oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize