The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
