I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
