She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
MIDGETS
????
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
