Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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