Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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