ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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