gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
