oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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