fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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