You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
