I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
