i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
