You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
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