someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
