my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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