I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Moan for me like Helen Keller
thus making me awesome and them whores
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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