Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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