im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Randomize
