I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
