What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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