I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
