if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
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