In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Two words: blizzard sex
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
