mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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