Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
