Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize