you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Randomize
