did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
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