I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Randomize
