Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
