Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
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