She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
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