Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
