Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Randomize
