I don't have enough holes for all these australians
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
