Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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