So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
