K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
