Apparently you make a good broom.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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