its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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