I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
