my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I just want to make out with him forever
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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