I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Randomize
