I think I won the penis lottery.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
