My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
