i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
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